Lately, several Quora questions posed by ex-partners (read victims) of narcissists have been popping up in my inbox.
“Does the narcissist think about me when I’m not around?”
“Does the narcissist stalk me online after he’s dumped me?”
“Will the narcissist contact me again?”
Several times, the questions will be followed with, “I just want to know what’s going on in his head. I’m not going to return to him.”
All of these questions have one glaring flaw in common: They show that the person asking is still completely susceptible to a narcissist’s attack. These questions again put the narcissist and his actions at the forefront. That’s what these emotionally damaged individuals want.
The fact that a person still cares, in whatever crooked way, is the narcissist’s lifeblood.
Just getting away isn’t enough. You have to liberate yourself from caring about what is or isn’t going on in the narcissist’s mind.
I’ve heard the argument: “but how will I be ready to have my face-off with him and win if I don’t know what to expect.”
The truth is (and I think you know this deep down in your gut) you don’t have to know what to expect. Your reaction to any action or inaction by the narcissist should the same: Nothing.
You should do not a damn thing.
It can’t be just the one time or a week’s worth of not reacting. In order to truly cure yourself of your susceptibility to falling prey to the narcissist, you must make a lifelong commitment to not engage.
“Narcissistic Personality Disorder: one of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated.” -Author Unknown
You treat yourself by disengaging permanently.
But what about revenge? What about showing him what it’s like to be strung along, used, and discarded as if I was nothing more than a commodity for his pleasure?
While I empathize, I have three reasons why trying to play this game with a narcissist is not in your best interest. That’s what ultimately matters to me, and that’s what I want to matter most to you: your best interest.
- If you have this kind of time, you need to look at your life. People with a fulfilling life and nourishing relationships (including the one with themselves) are too busy to play these sorts of games because they are a waste of time. Narcissists are able to prey on people who are running from something. Oftentimes that something is themselves, a bad job, or toxic friendships. Divert your energy to facing whatever it is you’re running from.
- You know you’re susceptible to the advances of the narcissist, so why take the risk. This is your slippery slope. In any other scenario, if you were presented with a choice to take an unnecessary risk that could injure you or to avoid it altogether, which would you choose? Engaging with the narcissist is an unnecessary risk. He has nothing for you except more misery. Prioritize yourself by not taking the risk.
- Lastly, if the narcissist was capable of feeling the empathy that you want to extract from him, he wouldn’t have dehumanized you repeatedly. Have you considered that the emotion you’re attempting to elicit from the narcissist is at best just not there, and at worst only manufactured to manipulate you all over again?
As long as you give any fucks about what a narcissist will or won’t do, he still has power over you.
Refuse to play this psychological twister. It’s a waste of your energetic resources. From personal experience, I say that once you develop more emotional fortitude, engaging with somebody who is such a colossal waste of time won’t make sense to you either.
Disengage for life. Set yourself free from the victimhood and the codependence. You are so much more than those things, and your life is intended for self-discovery.